Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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