WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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