Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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