I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
