I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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