My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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