I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
