Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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