I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
