Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
