you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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