Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
