i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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