Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
