just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
