It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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