I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
