Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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