Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
