sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
