The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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