what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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