I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
