You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
