peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
