my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Randomize
