we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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