I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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