i need an iv and a liver transplant
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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