Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
