so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
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