i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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