i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
