I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
