Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Let's get the cat blown out
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
