hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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