I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize