I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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