You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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