Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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