i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
