i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
