remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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