those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
