new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
