Can i not drive my cunt home
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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