Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
