Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
