Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I just gargled with NyQuil
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
