Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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