when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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