I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
