this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
