I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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