I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
