White coat. Heels.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
