Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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