Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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