she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize